Shoji here. I wanted to talk today about protecting yourself. We had a post last month about protecting yourself from psychic vampires but today I wanted to talk about getting away from abuse. I have a close friend who is currently in a relationship situation that is causing him harm and wanted to talk a little about that today.
It is never okay for someone to bully you or abuse you and be mean to you. If that happens to you, please reach out, get help and remove yourself from the situation safely and as fast as you can. Sometimes people who are toxic setup situations where you are depended on them and cannot get away for one reason or another. This creates a type of dependence that is insidious and causes the abused person in the relationship to be dependent on the abuser be it for attention, care, money or other reasons like having kids or needing stability or support. In the case where the abuser is mentally or verbally abusing the other in the relationship because there are no physical scars, outsiders may think everything is alright. In cases of emotional and verbal abuse, there may be no outward scars but the harm is there and it affects deeply. People who are narcissists and toxic cannot see past themselves and they definitely don’t care about you. They are looking for attention and adoration and when you pull it back because they are dangerous they attack you and try to spin the narrative often times rewriting history and trying to leave a trail that is damaging and hurtful.
They do not care about you. They are only out to help themselves. And no amount of time, caring or money that you give will satisfy them. They are bottomless pits of need and it is never enough. They will always try to take more and in some cases everything you have financially, mentally and emotionally. To them you are someone to be used and manipulated and abused. They are only out for themselves and if you fall prey to them they will just keep coming. You have to take your power back and the only way to do that is to hold your ground, not compromise your boundaries and morals, protect yourself and to get away from them before they suck you dry.
My friend I was talking about before is being abused and fell for the love lines and really cares for the person but all he does is just take and take and damage those around him. He is a user and has caused my friend thousands, time and heartache. Personally my friend was suckered by this person and fell for it with his lies and deceit. All my friend was trying to do was help but this person abused him and took advantage of his kindness.
In situations like this the narcissist or toxic person will try to undermine your sanity first and make you dependent. They will spin your words and attack you in subtle ways to get you to be attentive and dependent and then when you care and help they will say it is never enough. They will manipulate and lie as well as change the story to suit their needs. This rewriting of history will be to their benefit and there is no debating with them or anything that will change their revision which suits them and makes the other person look like a liar. This technique which the abuser will accuse you of is gaslighting as they rewrite history and call you names – this will be insisdious and they will bring other people in as their witnesses and warp things making you always in the wrong. No matter how much reason or trying to tell them the sky is not red, they will eventually make you believe that you are wrong and even though you know the sky is blue they will trick you into questioning it and making you feel they are right and the sky has always been red you are just not smart enough to see it. They will call you names, and stupid and accuse you of being the liar as they rewrite history.
The next thing they will do is isolate you and take you away from your friends. They will say your friends are liars and make it impossible for you to contact your friends to get a gut check on reality while they are around. They will make it so you can’t go out with friends or talk to them on the phone and they will call you names and bully you. This is all done in a subtle way until you comply. They take your eternal checks and balances away so that you have no one who can question their lies. Eventually the only person you will have is them. And when this happens it will be difficult for you to check your reality which you know is right and know they fact that someone is manipulating you but they will make you thing you are the one who is crazy.
These are the techniques that are used by the narcissist to conquer and defame, control and manipulate until you fall prey to their lies and do things for them that they want which are harmful to you. They, if you let them, will eventually control you and your decisions will be made through their lens doing things they want and not what is in your best interest. This can happen more prevalently with toxic people who are recovering alchoholics, former alchoholics, drug abusers or people with troubled childhoods and parent relationships. Also people with abuse history from childhood can fall prey easily to these toxic schemes by the abuser.
The only way to end this cycle of manipulation and abuse is to cut ties and get away. As you try to leave you may feel guilty but it is not your responsibility to save the toxic person. They want to make you feel responsible to keep you in the relationship. This is their manipulation tactic and they will do everything in their power to keep that going including lying, getting and using others to assist them in their games, and controlling you. If you are depressed or lonely this negative attention is still attention and it may keep you in the abusive relationship longer than is healthy. That is what happened to my friend.
The only way to protect yourself is to sever all ties. That means separating yourself, moving away, not contacting the person, leaving them behind. You do not own the toxic person’s problems and it is not your responsibility to save them. They will try to trick you into feeling guilty and say that you have not helped enough. This is a lie and a manipulation to get you to stay in the abusive relationship. The best thing to do is reconnect with friends, connect with your support system, have a sounding board or help to get out and move on. Leave the toxic person. That is the only way that the abuse will stop. The toxic person is not your responsibility. They own their reality. You own your reality. Your reality includes looking out for yourself and getting away from the abuse. Your main priority is you. You cannot save anyone else, only yourself. The toxic person will try to make it seem like you need to protect them and that they should be the most important thing in your life. The most important thing in your life is you and no one can tell you otherwise. Anyone else who has the audacity to say that they come first is a liar and deceptive and a bully who is manipulating you.
If the toxic person in your life has harmed you mentally and emotionally these scars can cause depression, anxiety, mood swings, eating disorders, isolation, fear, and drug or alcohol abuse. These things are how your body and mind compensate to take away the pain and chaos. The best way to have a chance out of this toxic environment and the toxic person is to leave as fast as possible in a way that is safe. Do not let the toxic person control you. That guilt they try to make you feel is just their manipulation and lies as they attempt to control you.
You are better than that. You are worthy, beautiful and smart no matter how the toxic person tries to bring you down and convince you otherwise. The only person you are responsible for is you. You control you. To take back control from a toxic person is to escape the abuse and free yourself. You need to cut all ties in a safe way. Leave, go somewhere else, never talk to them again no matter how much they contact you. A toxic person will keep trying to come back. You need to cut all ties with them to protect yourself. You are what matters here. You can only save yourself. It is not your responsibility to save the toxic person although they will twist reality to make you believe that. When the toxic person sees you pull away they will step up their lies and try to keep you in line. This is where you need to stand your ground and keep your boundaries and leave safely. They have no power over you even though they try. You are in control.
My friend endured abuse at the hands of a toxic person. Now, they are able to finally get free and move on with their life. They reached out to me and I have been helping them to sort through their guilt feelings that the toxic person forced on them to believe that they needed to help and hurt themselves to support them. My friend was used by a toxic person and hurt emotionally and mentally. Now they are pulling away. I will be there to support my friend and help them through this transition away from the abuse. The bully is never right. The toxic person will manipulate in ways that are subtle and insidious until they get what they want not caring how it hurts you or harms you. The only way to protect yourself is to leave and protect yourself. Help yourself and get away before they destroy who you are and your soul. The toxic person will do everything they can to destroy you because they are jealous and want what you have for one reason or another. Take back your power, the only way to do that is to realize that you are worthy and beautiful and deserve respect which the toxic person will never give you. The best thing to do is leave with a support system to assist you.
You deserve to be respected, cherished and loved. Protect yourself and get away from the abuser safely. You deserve to be cared for and not manipulated. You are worthy and loved. No one can disrespect you. The bully is always wrong.
Take back your power and leave, protect yourself.